Way Over Due Update / Countdown to Surgery

     This update is long over due, for that I apologize to those of you that have been following this blog. Early in my recovery period after radiation and chemo I finally met with my surgeon.  That is where I learned a lot of what I will touch on today, but it is also when I met with the seriousness of this surgery and found I could not deal with it at all.

     I would wake in the middle of the night with this surgery on my mind and be unable to get back to sleep for quiet some time, and when I did the sleep was always fitful. It has taken 4 weeks to get this dealt with where I am no longer bothered by the idea of being cut up by somebody I did not know. Actually the problem was the idea of being cut up at all! I have not had surgery that I can remember, ever!

     What makes this surgery different, well here is the background… It is called an Ivor Lewis Esophagogastrectomy.  Big name, and a long procedure.  It will take 2 surgeons 4 to 5 hours to preform, and then maybe 2 days in ICU followed by what will be a 10 to 15 day stay in the hospital.  Just to remove a tumor… And the top 10% of the stomach as well as around 4 inches of my esophagus, as well as rehooking everything back together!  The problem that I found out is that the esophagus runs behind the heart and just in front of the spine.  Wasn't a happy thought!

     So yes I have been dealing with this these past few weeks.  I met with the surgeon again this past week, and asked a few detailed questions that had been bothering me.  I'm fine with it now, and just want to get the surgery over with so I can get on to my recovery and back to living my life.  My surgery will be the morning of October the 6th. Hope to be home by the 20th, but will need to wait and see how it all goes.

     During these meetings with the surgeon, I also learned that the type of Cancer I have is becoming more and more common.  He called it the new middle aged white guy disease.  Yes, it is directly caused by acid reflux!  So this should be a serious warning to all of you who have had acid reflux for many years, find a way to deal with it properly!  Almost all medication that is used for its treatment, will not help in the long run… The medication treats the symptoms not the problem!  Yes, it feels a lot better, yet the acid reflux is still going on, its just not destructive enough to be felt, but its still happening!

     How do you treat it?  You change your eating habits, as well as how you sleep if possible.  No food and minimum drink, 2 to 3 hours before you go to bed!  We are not built to be able to digest without side affects in our sleep. The side affect is called acid reflux, or sometimes heart burn.  In todays society, we all work too late, eat and then immediately crash as we are too tired to stay up a couple more hours.  Then changing sleep patterns, which I found very hard to do.  Your esophagus enters the stomach on the upper right side, and the stomach drains to the lower left side.  So to keep the stomach acids away from the connection of the esophagus and the stomach, you need to sleep laying on your left side, at least for the length of time it takes (2 to 3 hours) for the stomach to drain for the night. People do not normally sleep on there left side because this puts more pressure on the heart, so if they sleep on their side, it is usually their right side.  And the sleeping on the right side puts all the digestive juices right up against the valve to the esophagus. As we sleep, we breath, and this valve comes open thus splashing the esophagus with acid.

     A lot here to read, but I do feel it is important! I am the only one to blame for the cancer I have! The many years of acid reflux were the direct cause of my cancer. And nothing I took over these years helped to prevent it at all!

     Thanks for reading this blog, as well as all the support so many of you have given me this year!  Nine days to go till my surgery, and counting…

     Again Thanks!

Week Four, the "What Ifs"

     No image for this week. Yes, I did do some image making, but nothing fitting to what has been on my mind. 

     There are many times that my thoughts return to the "What ifs", as I call them.  It is sort of a game my mind does to play through the many different possibilities and scenarios of life. The more correct way of stating it is "What would you do if…" and then you think through the different possibilities.  I believe that most of us do this from time to time, especially when facing some difficulty or health issue.  It has always bothered me that I might of been doing this too often.  

     Cancer has given me a reason to ponder this a bit deeper.

     As I think about it these past couple of weeks, a scene from one of my favorite movies comes to mind.  The scene is in the mines of Moria, and Frodo and Gandalf are talking:  [from the movie 'The Fellowship of the Ring']

     (Frodo) " I wish none of this had happened."

     (Gandalf) " So do all that live to see such times, but that is not
     for them to decide.  All we have to do is to decide what to do with the time   
     that is given us"

     And in the end, the last is becoming a great truth to me. Nothing else is important but what you do with the time that you are given! The whys and what ifs have become meaningless.  It has become more a time of doing!  As cancer has shown me, there is so much unknown and uncontrollable in life the only thing that counts is what you do with the life you have!

     The "what ifs" and "whys" will still happen, but I am spending more time doing, and living my life.

     Again my deepest thanks for your kind thoughts and support as I move through the challenges of cancer!

Lessons of Week Three

Week Three (167lbs)

     I would say that week three has been my worse week so far, and I'm having a decent time of it all. And I still have hair! Though I can tell that I will not escape without getting caught by the more common side effects from my treatment.

     The above photograph was made on my 8x10 camera yesterday using a 600mm Fujinon lens.  Many thanks to Steve Hinds for the loan of the lens!  This image is one of the series that I will do every Saturday morning as I go through my treatment for cancer. I do not know what I will find during this project.  Should be fun though, and have some surprises for me…

     Now back to this weeks tittle, I learned a lesson Monday that I know could of been avoided. I was at chemo getting ready to have an IV put into me so that I could receive all my medication.  The nurses may do 50 to 100 of these every day, so they are always surprised when things go wrong… After 3 tries, some pain and me going into shock (causing a lot of excitement), I finally was hooked up with a good flow.  The problem was simply my state of hydration. When a person is dehydrated, their blood pressure drops somewhat, and veins don't act as expected.  Will not happen tomorrow!

     The other two lessons from the week were from points of observation. The way I have been treated at the cancer center has been wonderful. Total strangers have a warm smile and pleasant greeting every time.  These are people that I did not know, yet they go out of their way to show kindness and respect to each other.  This did catch me off guard, as I was expecting this from the staff, but not the other patients.  After some thinking about it, I remembered the last time total strangers greeted me with such warmth was the day after the 9/11 attack. It is amazing that it takes such pressure for us humans to treat each other as we would have others treat us.  Kindness, respect, and a warm greeting shouldn't take the shadow of cancer or the after effects of 9/11 for us to be nice to each other. 

     The last one, I am still working through… I caught myself feeling isolated from the world, and that is a depressing place to be. A lot of people around me are giving me space, and maybe for good reasons. They aren't sure how to deal with the shadow of cancer touching someone they know, or trying to give that person plenty of room from normal contact so they have the energy to deal with their treatment for cancer.  At this time I feel that the isolation is very hard to deal with…

     Today has been rather long winded, so thanks for bering with me!  Thank you so much for your support, gentle smiles and warm greetings!!!! 
     

Catching up on Week Two

Hike on Green Mountain.

      Not sure what all to say about week two.  For the most part it wasn't all that bad. Yes some of the side effects are showing up a bit more.  Yes my energy is down, but not that bad.

     Monday, I had a two hour break between radiation and chemo therapy, so Tanya and I spent it hiking on Green Mountain.  Only made it half way to the top, a very pleasant interlude.  Hope to do
this more ofter in the future.  It is amazing that I used to ride my mountain bike up this trail, sure seems a lot steeper these days.  We did get back on time for chemo, though maybe a little sweaty.

     That Monday night I did run into the side effects of the steroids they are giving me.  No matter how physically tired I was, I found that if you can't quiet the mind, you don't sleep much.  So far this has only happened the first night after chemo.  The rest of the week I have been extremely tired in the evening, so no sleep problems after the steroids have worked through the system.

     The rest of the week was a slow decline in energy.  I am still eating, despite the flavors being way off the expected. My weight is steady, within a pound for the first two weeks. It will be really wonderful when coffee gets back to tasting normal!

     I did find myself feeling better on the weekend when I did not have radiation. Though I did not recover as much as I did last weekend. Still it was a pretty good weekend. Self portrait on Saturday morning, and working up at the gallery in Georgetown on Sunday.  Most likely the last time at the gallery for 4 to 6 weeks.  Its the drive up and back in the traffic that wares on me.

     Yes it is already Tuesday morning of week three but that will be in another post…

     Thanks again for all your wonderful support!

After the 1st week...

     Where am I today,some may ask,  I actually don't feel much different than I did last week.  Yes I have had my first chemo treatment, as well as my first 5 days of radiation treatment.  The effects of these treatments don't happen immediately, they build up over time is what I am finding.  The nurses warned me that a lot of the side effects do not show till after the 2nd week of treatment.  So it is still a waiting game in most ways.

     The first side effects to show up is the change in taste!  Coffee no longer taste good, and I have been warned won't taste normal till my system is cleared a couple of weeks after treatment.  This is taking some getting used to, and maybe I do drink too much coffee at times these days.  In fact most all food is not what I would call decent tasting at all.  It sort of reinforces the, "I'm not really hungry" attitude that is common for people going through chemo.  I do like eating, so I should be able to overcome this problem.

     Not much else to say, yet.  Yes I am needing to nap more often. No my energy is not great, though it has been good this weekend as I have both days off from treatment.  So I have been enjoying the weekend.

     Monday will restart the therapy as well as have my second chemo treatment.  And another week will begin, that I will find my way to the other side…

     Thanks for all the wonderful thoughts, you are all terrific!

Darkness approaches

Last Light

     What is this darkness that I am speaking of…

     Some of you already know, yet a better understanding of what I have before me is now mine.  No, I do not have all the answers. The true knowing will not be mine till the journey has been completed.  And even then, all may not be understood. 

     On my 58th birthday, I was informed that I have a cancerous tumor in the lower third 
of my esophagus.  The actual type is called Adenocarcinoma, which is what the cancer that can form in our mucus forming tissues is called. It is the most common form of esophagul cancer. Did not make for a good birthday, but honestly it may become a great gift.  

     As of today, it has been 22 days and I can finally put out some solid information of what I have as well as what I may have before me. After all the test in the past couple of weeks, there is no current sign of cancer in any other part of my body.  It is only located in this tumor, and that is the truly wonderful news. Now that does't mean that there are not any isolated cells of cancer elsewhere in my body. Just no collections or detectable groupings at this time. The journey before me will be that passage through the many treatments to reach a physical state of being cancer free and of good health.

     The treatments will begin on Monday the 21st of July, almost a month to the day that I found out.  I will have both radiation and chemotherapy for 5 weeks, followed by a period of healing of 4 to 6 weeks, then the actual surgery to remove what is left of the tumor followed by another 4 to 6 weeks of healing from the surgery. It may take months or even longer to fully recover my strength and get back to normal activity.

     I have found that the treatments seem to scare me much more than the actual cancer.
It is not that I don't fear dying of the cancer, I do.  It is that the treatments have so many unknown side affects, and this unknown is what I actually fear. The not knowing, and in many ways not being able to influence these side affects in any way.

     So that is the basics of the journey before me.  The only way is to pass through this upcoming darkness, this period of the unknown...