Week Four, the "What Ifs"

     No image for this week. Yes, I did do some image making, but nothing fitting to what has been on my mind. 

     There are many times that my thoughts return to the "What ifs", as I call them.  It is sort of a game my mind does to play through the many different possibilities and scenarios of life. The more correct way of stating it is "What would you do if…" and then you think through the different possibilities.  I believe that most of us do this from time to time, especially when facing some difficulty or health issue.  It has always bothered me that I might of been doing this too often.  

     Cancer has given me a reason to ponder this a bit deeper.

     As I think about it these past couple of weeks, a scene from one of my favorite movies comes to mind.  The scene is in the mines of Moria, and Frodo and Gandalf are talking:  [from the movie 'The Fellowship of the Ring']

     (Frodo) " I wish none of this had happened."

     (Gandalf) " So do all that live to see such times, but that is not
     for them to decide.  All we have to do is to decide what to do with the time   
     that is given us"

     And in the end, the last is becoming a great truth to me. Nothing else is important but what you do with the time that you are given! The whys and what ifs have become meaningless.  It has become more a time of doing!  As cancer has shown me, there is so much unknown and uncontrollable in life the only thing that counts is what you do with the life you have!

     The "what ifs" and "whys" will still happen, but I am spending more time doing, and living my life.

     Again my deepest thanks for your kind thoughts and support as I move through the challenges of cancer!

Lessons of Week Three

Week Three (167lbs)

     I would say that week three has been my worse week so far, and I'm having a decent time of it all. And I still have hair! Though I can tell that I will not escape without getting caught by the more common side effects from my treatment.

     The above photograph was made on my 8x10 camera yesterday using a 600mm Fujinon lens.  Many thanks to Steve Hinds for the loan of the lens!  This image is one of the series that I will do every Saturday morning as I go through my treatment for cancer. I do not know what I will find during this project.  Should be fun though, and have some surprises for me…

     Now back to this weeks tittle, I learned a lesson Monday that I know could of been avoided. I was at chemo getting ready to have an IV put into me so that I could receive all my medication.  The nurses may do 50 to 100 of these every day, so they are always surprised when things go wrong… After 3 tries, some pain and me going into shock (causing a lot of excitement), I finally was hooked up with a good flow.  The problem was simply my state of hydration. When a person is dehydrated, their blood pressure drops somewhat, and veins don't act as expected.  Will not happen tomorrow!

     The other two lessons from the week were from points of observation. The way I have been treated at the cancer center has been wonderful. Total strangers have a warm smile and pleasant greeting every time.  These are people that I did not know, yet they go out of their way to show kindness and respect to each other.  This did catch me off guard, as I was expecting this from the staff, but not the other patients.  After some thinking about it, I remembered the last time total strangers greeted me with such warmth was the day after the 9/11 attack. It is amazing that it takes such pressure for us humans to treat each other as we would have others treat us.  Kindness, respect, and a warm greeting shouldn't take the shadow of cancer or the after effects of 9/11 for us to be nice to each other. 

     The last one, I am still working through… I caught myself feeling isolated from the world, and that is a depressing place to be. A lot of people around me are giving me space, and maybe for good reasons. They aren't sure how to deal with the shadow of cancer touching someone they know, or trying to give that person plenty of room from normal contact so they have the energy to deal with their treatment for cancer.  At this time I feel that the isolation is very hard to deal with…

     Today has been rather long winded, so thanks for bering with me!  Thank you so much for your support, gentle smiles and warm greetings!!!! 
     

Catching up on Week Two

Hike on Green Mountain.

      Not sure what all to say about week two.  For the most part it wasn't all that bad. Yes some of the side effects are showing up a bit more.  Yes my energy is down, but not that bad.

     Monday, I had a two hour break between radiation and chemo therapy, so Tanya and I spent it hiking on Green Mountain.  Only made it half way to the top, a very pleasant interlude.  Hope to do
this more ofter in the future.  It is amazing that I used to ride my mountain bike up this trail, sure seems a lot steeper these days.  We did get back on time for chemo, though maybe a little sweaty.

     That Monday night I did run into the side effects of the steroids they are giving me.  No matter how physically tired I was, I found that if you can't quiet the mind, you don't sleep much.  So far this has only happened the first night after chemo.  The rest of the week I have been extremely tired in the evening, so no sleep problems after the steroids have worked through the system.

     The rest of the week was a slow decline in energy.  I am still eating, despite the flavors being way off the expected. My weight is steady, within a pound for the first two weeks. It will be really wonderful when coffee gets back to tasting normal!

     I did find myself feeling better on the weekend when I did not have radiation. Though I did not recover as much as I did last weekend. Still it was a pretty good weekend. Self portrait on Saturday morning, and working up at the gallery in Georgetown on Sunday.  Most likely the last time at the gallery for 4 to 6 weeks.  Its the drive up and back in the traffic that wares on me.

     Yes it is already Tuesday morning of week three but that will be in another post…

     Thanks again for all your wonderful support!